Basketball is an insanely complex sport. I honestly had no idea just how intricate and interesting it could be, until I happened upon a largely under-represented sector of the basketball-playing community… 5yr old kids at the local rec program at Grayson United Methodist Church.
I learned more about the unspoken rules in basketball using this forum than I ever would watching a pro game. …mainly because it was 500 times more fascinating and captivating than watching a pro game ever could be. I learned basketball has more heart, intensity, and falling than anything I’ve ever witnessed before. I feel like the rules were never defined more clearly and unclearly at the same time. And I felt like someone should get these written down in order to allow the knowledge to be shared and embraced by other aspiring young athletes. Best to be prepared and ready when the big day finally comes, right? So here goes…
Sometimes, when you really like one of the players on the opposing team, it is totally acceptable to just hand them the ball.
And cute, actually. Nothing screams “team player” and “good sportsmanship” like just straight-up handing the ball to that adorable little kid on the other team. You’ve just gained 10 more fans, kid. You’re a genius, and the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Adversely, it is also totally acceptable to steal the ball from your own teammate. Repeatedly. Because you had it first.
Whether you saw it first, or simply thought about catching it first, you are technically that balls rightful owner. You’re actually doing him/her a favor by taking it back. You did, in fact, have it first. Sort of. Mostly. Honestly, they should have known better.
When you’re not really sure what the next logical move is, just dribble. Dribble forever. Until someone makes you give the ball back.
Sometimes its really, really hard to know what to do next. Take your time. Dribble it out. Patience is a virtue and all you’re doing is showing slow and steady does in fact win the race. And if you wait it out, someone will eventually show you the answer. By way of taking the ball. Honestly, it’s win-win here.
When in doubt as to where to pass or throw the ball…throw it where no-one is actually standing.
…because you have unwavering faith in your team, always. You had the foresight to know that yes, your team is superfast and will definitely get there there to grab it seconds before going out of bounds. Because you believe in your team. You have a vision and strategy that the other team could never, ever guess. See that huge open area on the court? THAT, my friends, is your secret weapon. I’ll get at least 5 bounces before it goes out of bounds. Plenty of time. #winning
There is only one way to play seriously good defense when standing in front of the basket – and that is by showing your muscles.
Who needs to block when you can just impersonate Hulk Hogan? This is a legit tactic. Ask anyone. Growling is encouraged, but not required. Just show’em the muscles. Works everytime.
When there seems to be no way out, and nowhere to turn, just sit down wherever you are and lay on top of that ball.
Sometimes you just need a timeout to think it through mid game. Hold on tight, with all your might, and just sit this out until you figure it out. Or your coach comes and asks you nicely for the ball. One or the other.
So there you have it, parents. Share this with your aspiring 4yr old who just can’t wait to make the age cut-off next year. He/she already has a leg-up and is ready to just kill it out there. Be ready, and bring a camera, it’ll only be the best hour of your life.